This was a lot of fun to write, and I hope you get a laugh. I also hope you’ll leave a comment about project management “worst practices” you’ve had experience with.
So you’re a new project manager. Or maybe you’ve been doing this for awhile but now you’ve come to a new team.
They are waiting for you after the last project manager was promoted, left the company, or jumped off a bridge. [be concerned if it’s the latter]
So you ask yourself one important question.
How can I really screw this up?
Of course, all new project managers want to charge in and make a mess of things. But what’s the best way to go about it without taking forever? How can you create chaos and bad will in the first 60 days?
Come to the rescue, cape waving in the wind
Especially when there is no real emergency, a great way to alienate your project team right off the bat is to take the “new sheriff in town” attitude right from day 1. Put on your Magneto costume and go to town!
Overhaul all the processes and make massive changes right away. Do it really quick, before you come to your senses. Resist the temptation to gain buy-in from the team and gradually transition in a collaborative way.
They will all feel like you think they are complete idiots who never did anything right until you graced the project with your presence, AND you will be taking bold action without any real clue about what’s going on.
It’s a like a preemptive strike on trust before it has the possibility of forming in the first place. Nice!
Only worry about the tools
Why do you want to talk to them anyway? No, just lock yourself in the office and stare at MS Project until your eyes bleed. Require scheduled time to speak to anyone and preferably only communicate through email so you can collect status and plug it into the tool.
Pretend that the artifacts are the real project, not what those people are doing out there. Tell yourself projects are about tools, not about people.
Ignore your stakeholders
What? No stakeholder analysis was done by the last project manager?
Now you can get on without understanding who you are doing the project for, what their needs are, how much influence they have, etc.
If you do find a stakeholder analysis, shred that thing immediately. It makes things so complicated when you try to poke around and empathize with people who have an interest in your project. Who cares anyway?
I could go on and on, but I want to hear from you. When taking over a project, what’s the best way you’ve seen in the first 60 days to help make it fail?