Sometimes What You Think of Me Is None of My Business

Gawd save us from people who want to make us better (including the little voice in our heads that’s nattering away to us most of the time about our flaws)! We’re frequently subjected to enough suggestions, critique and advice to choke a horse by people waving the banner of continuous improvement. And this “help” is often offered in such a way that it undermines the confidence and commitment of the lucky recipient, producing exactly the opposite results of what was intended. And as a double-bonus, it’s often worded clumsily, making it obvious that the person serving up the remarks gave more thought to considering how to order the morning’s extra-hot, non-fat decaf latte than how to share their opinions with us. If I get even a sliver of “feedback” today I swear I’m gonna kick somebody’s ass!

WHAT IS FEEDBACK: It is not criticism, and it comes in various forms - - - stuff that is working, stuff that is not working, stuff that is missing. It is different from offering an opinion or preference. The difference depends on the focus . . .

FOCUS on GOALS: Easier to accept is “fact-based” feedback based on what’s working and what’s not working with respect to achieving a particular goal . . . rather than less easy to accept feedback of “I like it/I don’t like it/It’s good/It’s bad/It’s right/It’s wrong”. . . that’s why I focus on “working/not working/missing”

PERCEPTION: It can be perceived as positive or negative by the receiver of feedback, regardless of the intent by the giver of feedback. That’s why it is so important that feedback be given in the context of a goal that the receiver cares about enough to hear it and consider it.

NOT CRITICISM: The difference between feedback and criticism is that feedback is intended to help the RECEIVER better achieve a particular goal that the RECEIVER cares about. Criticism is intended to help the GIVER of feedback get something that the GIVER wants, without necessarily being concerned with what the RECEIVER wants or what the RECEIVER is committed to.

NOT ALWAYS APPROPRIATE: “Sometimes what you think of me is none of my business.” For example, it wouldn’t be appropriate to give feedback to a stone saying “You need to float.” That’s not what stones do. And it’s not appropriate to go into a restaurant and tell a master chef how to cook your food.

1. Make sure the person is both willing and able to accomplish the tasks and achieve the goals or your feedback will just cause frustration.

a. If not willing, then motivation is appropriate.

i. Motivation comes in 2 forms . . . getting something we want, and avoiding something we don’t want.

b. If not able, then training, support, or a job change is in order.

i. Don’t try to coach, encourage or motivate a rock to swim! It’s not what rocks do.

2. Make sure you offer feedback in support of changes that the other person wants to make, not just for the sake of offering your opinion.

a. That’s why giving feedback in the context of the other person’s goals is so important.

b. Anything else is just griping. I remember what my dad always said “Opinions are like assholes. Everyone’s got one, but no one particular wants to look at someone else’s.”

BE CAREFUL NOT TO UNDERMINE DELEGATION: Ultimately feedback is linked to delegation. If we delegate responsibility and authority for a task to another person we must realize that they will do it differently than we would. Therefore we can’t expect that person to be interested in changing their style of doing something to suit us if the results we ask for are being achieved. “Tell the chef what you want to have for dinner, don’t tell him how to cook it!” helps us steer clear of micro-managing. If the goal is not being met, much better to ask the other person how they think they can better achieve the goals. Best situation is if they ask for our help in better achieving the goals, thus giving us permission to share our perceptions with them on “how to cook it” better.

Let’s all take a feedback holiday, shall we? Just for a couple of hours let’s bask in the luxury of being good enough!

Don’t let the buzzards get you down, Kimberly (Author of Scrappy Project Management, a real-world project management book for people who wanna get stuff done)